I haven't posted here in a long time... I actually use LiveJournal for most of my "blogging" and two journals hosted on my web server as well.  But, I thought I'd give this one a spin today, because I have something to say that I can't say just anywhere.

I don't really understand all of what's going on right now.  Less than five years ago he loved her so much I was actually jealous of her.  He didn't love her "like that."  She's his cousin.  I'm now his wife.  Back then, they were two peas in a pod, living nearly a thousand miles apart because he joined the Army.  He and I were dating, actually it's coming up on the 5 year mark of when we fell in love.  Around this time five years ago we began plans of going to Panama City before he went to visit his family.  He raved on and on in excitement over getting to see his little cousin.  She was about 13 then I think and he was 19.  He would tell me all the time about the things he was planning on doing with her, ice cream here, this and that there.  He wanted to spend so much time with her.  She was at our wedding the following February and a touch of that excitement was gone.  I didn't know why.  Then that December she wanted to come see us, and I really wanted her to, so I was going to give her the money for the ticket.  I don't remember all of what happened but things really blew up.  For some reason, on our end, she couldn't come.  He left for Iraq the next January, and then the war started.  FUN!  (sarcasm.)  He was gone just about 6 months, and then home in July.  Over the next 1.5 years he was pretty much home, and we went to visit his family a couple times, but hardly saw her.  He never called her and I didn't talk to her often either.  Then he had to go to Iraq again... for a year.  We went to see his family for Christmas before he left and we got to see her, and things seemed "cool."  He left mid-January and got home a year later, just a few months ago.  About a month ago, she IMed me asking for our new address so she could mail us her graduation pictures.  I wasn't at the computer, so I was never able to give her the address.  Now, for the last few days, she's been trying to get his cell phone number from me.  I hesitate to give out anyone's number without their permission, even if it's my husband and I'm giving the number to his cousin who he used to be "peas in a pod" with.  But, this time I had a reason... for one, he doesn't even take his cell phone with him to work or school.  For another, he can't be disturbed at work or school.  So, he only uses his cell phone for emergencies, or to call out long distance when he's at home.  That's it.  I use my cell phone all the time, but he didn't really even want one.  I wanted him to have one.  So anyway, I didn't give her his number, and I told him after the first day that she wanted his number and how she was acting and that it seemed important.  He said he didn't care.  And I told her that I told him about that conversation... and what he said.  I bet she's wondering the same thing as me.  Didn't care whether or not I gave her his number?  Didn't care what she needed?  Didn't care about her altogether?  So, she just IMed me again a bit ago asking for his number.  I told her the same thing I've been telling her, he doesn't take his cell phone with him to work or school.  I also told her one of the other reasons, that we've been in the process of changing cell phone carriers over the last few days and I didn't really know for sure if we'd have the same numbers or not.  I'll gladly give her the home number and tell her when he'll be home and she can call him when he's home.  Why can't she just call the home number?  Is it so bad that *I* answer the phone instead of him?  I mean, does she really think I'm such a bitch that I won't hand him the phone?  But, I didn't say that.  I guess what I really said was actually worse.  I was honest with her.  I told her why he hasn't been talking to her for the last few years, why they've grown apart.  For one, she told me she looks up to him and I told her that it seems to me like he's not comfortable with that, like he feels he doesn't deserve that sort of recognition.  That's just my opinion there, though.  Also, another thing which he has told me before is that he still sees her as the 13 year old girl he last hung out with and had a blast with... he hasn't seen her grow up these last 5 years to realize that she's 18 now and has matured just as much as (if not more than) he has.  But me?  I have seen her grow up these last 5 years, well maybe not so much the last two years but still... I know she's not 13 anymore and I know that she's mature and I know she's not going to annoy him or get on his nerves in the least.  But he doesn't know that and he "doesn't care" to give it a chance.  And I know that had to have hurt a lot to "hear."  I should have just kept my mouth shut.  But, he didn't give me any indication that it was ok for her to have his number, and I didn't want him to be mad at me for giving it to her and her calling him if he doesn't want to talk to her.  Not that he doesn't ever want to talk to her again, he just... I don't even know what to say... I know he cares about her a lot, he just comes home from work and school grouchy because his whole day is gone and he only has an hour before bed and he doesn't want to be disturbed.  And he doesn't have his weekends anymore, he has to work all day on Saturday and Sunday every weekend.  He has a couple hours in the morning and a couple hours in the evening, the rest of the day/night he's either at work or asleep.  He's rarely in the mood to talk to even me, let alone someone on the phone.  He doesn't even talk to his parents or brother that much, though he is pretty mad at me for not getting his brother's number out of his old phone before getting his new phone turned on.  D'oh!

I don't know what to do to resolve this issue.  To make peace with everyone.  To make this whole situation go away.  What can I do to bring them together again?  What can I do to mend the damage I've caused with her?  If I were her, I'd be heartbroken after hearing all that.  I want everything to be ok, between the three of us.

Second PodCast:  Old Year, New Year

A little long...

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